What silence costs us and why asking for help is a sign of strength
People often see what we do.
They see the uniform, the leadership position, the job title, the competence and the ability to keep going when things become difficult.
They do not always see what we carry.
They do not see the experiences that follow us home, the conversations we replay in our minds or the moments that return when everything becomes quiet. They may never see the grief, exhaustion, fear or accumulated weight hidden beneath a person who appears to be functioning well.
Some of the strongest and most capable people have become very skilled at looking okay.
I know this because, for many years, I was one of them.
What People Saw
During my 24 years with the RCMP, strength was often measured by our ability to keep going.
You finished the shift.
You completed the paperwork.
You answered the next call.
You showed up again tomorrow.
There was always someone else who needed help, another situation requiring our attention and another responsibility waiting to be carried. We learned how to put our own reactions aside so we could do the job in front of us.
From the outside, that could look like resilience.
Sometimes it was resilience.
Sometimes it was survival.
There is a difference between continuing to work and truly being okay.
In June 2014, three RCMP officers were killed in Moncton, New Brunswick. As an operational NCO, I had responsibilities to fulfill. There were members to support, decisions to make and work that still needed to be done.
People could see me doing my job.
What they could not see was everything happening inside me.
The uniform did not make me immune to grief or trauma. My rank did not protect me from fear. Being the person others relied upon did not mean I always knew how to carry what I was experiencing.
The public often sees the work first responders do. They do not always see what we carry when the shift ends.
The same is true in many workplaces.
We see the employee who continues to meet deadlines, the leader who keeps the team moving and the colleague who never seems to complain. We assume that their ability to function means they are doing well.
Functioning is not always the same as living.
Sometimes, continuing to perform simply means someone has become very good at hiding how much they are hurting.
The Stories We Never Tell
Most people do not remain silent because they have nothing to say.
They remain silent because they are afraid of what could happen if they tell the truth.
Will people see me differently?
Will I still be trusted?
Will this affect my career?
Will someone decide I am no longer capable?
Will I disappoint the people who depend on me?
In policing and other first responder professions, silence can become part of the culture. People may fear being perceived as weak, unreliable or unable to handle the job.
That pressure is not limited to first responders.
Employees stay silent because they fear being passed over for opportunities. Leaders stay silent because they believe they must always appear strong. Parents and caregivers stay silent because other people are depending on them. Capable people stay silent because they have spent years being the person everyone else turns to.
Eventually, “I’m fine” becomes an automatic response.
Sometimes we say it to reassure the people around us.
Sometimes we say it to end the conversation.
Sometimes we say it because telling the truth feels too complicated.
Sometimes we have repeated it for so long that we no longer know how to answer honestly.
Silence can help us get through a moment. It cannot carry us safely through a lifetime.
What Silence Costs
Silence does not make pain disappear. It simply forces people to carry it alone.
Unspoken pain can affect sleep, relationships, concentration, physical health and a person’s ability to feel connected to the people around them. It can show up as anger, withdrawal, exhaustion, perfectionism or a sudden change in behaviour.
It may look like someone working longer hours, becoming quieter or losing interest in things they once enjoyed.
It can even look like competence.
This is why leaders and colleagues must pay attention to changes in people, not only crises.
Of course, we cannot notice changes in someone we have never taken the time to know.
Relationships matter.
When leaders know their employees, they are more likely to recognize when something is different. They notice when the person who normally contributes has gone quiet. They recognize when someone’s patience is shorter, their energy has changed or they no longer seem like themselves.
A policy may tell employees that support is available.
A relationship helps them believe it is safe to use it.
We cannot create healthier workplaces if people believe honesty will cost them their credibility, career or the respect of those around them.
Psychological safety must exist before someone reaches a crisis.
Ask Twice
“How are you?”
“I’m fine.”
That exchange happens every day.
We ask the question, receive the expected answer and move on.
Sometimes we need to ask again.
“No, really. How are you doing?”
Asking twice communicates that the first answer does not have to be the final answer. It lets someone know that we are willing to hear something more honest.
The second question only matters if we are prepared to listen.
We do not need to immediately offer advice, compare experiences or try to fix everything. Often, the most important response is simply:
“Thank you for telling me.”
“I’m here.”
“You do not have to carry this alone.”
Listening without judgement does not require us to have every answer. It requires us to make space for the truth.
Leaders should remember that they may not always be the right person to have that conversation. A trusted colleague, peer supporter, family member, union representative or mental health professional may be the person someone feels safest approaching.
The goal is not to control who a person speaks to.
The goal is to ensure they have someone they can speak to.
What Leaders Can Do Differently
Creating a healthier workplace requires more than reminding employees about available resources once a year.
It begins with what happens in everyday moments.
Leaders can:
- Build relationships before there is a problem.
- Pay attention to changes in behaviour, energy and engagement.
- Ask people how they are doing and leave enough time to hear the real answer.
- Respond calmly when someone shares that they are struggling.
- Protect privacy and dignity.
- Encourage people to use available support without questioning their competence.
- Check in again after the initial conversation.
- Model healthy boundaries and honest conversations themselves.
Every response teaches people something.
When an employee speaks honestly and is dismissed, judged or treated differently, others notice.
When an employee is met with compassion, respect and appropriate support, others notice that too.
Workplace culture is shaped by what happens after someone tells the truth.
To the Person Who Is Carrying Too Much
If you are struggling right now, you do not have to wait until everything falls apart before you ask for help.
You do not need to prove that your pain is serious enough.
You do not need to compare your experience with someone else’s.
You do not need to have the perfect words.
You can begin with:
“I am not doing as well as I seem.”
“I need someone to listen.”
“I think I need help.”
Asking for help does not erase your strength, experience or everything you have accomplished.
It is not a failure of resilience.
It is an act of resilience.
For too long, we have celebrated people for how much they can carry without complaining. Perhaps it is time to recognize a different kind of strength: the strength to speak honestly, allow someone else to help and decide that surviving silently is no longer enough.
Silence is not resilience.
Real resilience begins the moment we find the courage to speak.
If you are worried about someone, ask twice and listen to the answer.
If you are carrying something alone, tell someone.
Your story does not have to remain one of the stories we never tell.
If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide in Canada, call or text 9-8-8. Support is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. If there is immediate danger or urgent medical support is needed, call 9-1-1.
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