Not long ago, I was explaining something related to the law from my policing background. Halfway through the conversation, the woman I was speaking with stopped and said, “I feel so stupid for not knowing this.”
I looked at her and said, “You’re not stupid. Nobody knows everything. Until you know, you don’t know. And once you know, that’s when we can do better.”
That moment stayed with me because it highlighted something I see far too often: how quickly we turn not knowing into self-judgment. Especially women. Especially in professional spaces. Especially when we believe we are supposed to already have the answers.
But not knowing isn’t a failure. It’s the starting point.
Asking Questions Is How We Learn
Somewhere along the way, many of us learned that asking questions made us look weak, unprepared, or less capable. So we stopped asking. We nodded along.
We stayed quiet. And quietly, mistakes repeated.
When people stop asking questions, learning stops.
When learning stops, growth stalls.
And people do not grow when they are afraid to ask and learn.
True growth requires curiosity. It requires the courage to admit uncertainty and the humility to say, “I don’t know yet.”
What Leadership Taught Me About Not Knowing
Early in my policing career, while studying law, I asked an instructor, Inspector Charlesworth, a question. His response surprised me. He said, “That’s a really great question, Tammy. I’m going to research it and get back to you tomorrow.”
He didn’t pretend to know everything. And instead of losing respect for him, I gained more.
That moment shaped how I approached leadership throughout my career. If I didn’t know something, I said so. And then I followed up. I looked for the answer and I got back to people.
Here’s what I learned: I didn’t lose credibility. I gained it.
Because when I did say I knew something, people trusted that I truly did.
Leadership isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about creating environments where learning is safe, curiosity is welcomed, and honesty is valued. The strongest leaders are not the ones who know everything. They are the ones confident enough to say, “I don’t know, but I’ll find out.”
The Mental Health Cost of Shame
This idea extends far beyond leadership and learning. It reaches into mental health.
So many people struggle quietly because they believe they should know better, cope better, or be further along than they are. They shame themselves for not understanding their emotions, their stress, or their reactions.
But mental wellness doesn’t come from self-judgment. It comes from compassion.
Not knowing how to navigate a difficult season doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It means you are human. Learning applies to our minds just as much as it does to our work, our leadership, and our lives.
Until you know, you don’t know.
And learning, whether in a classroom, a workplace, or your own healing, begins when we allow ourselves to ask questions without shame.
Creating Space to Learn
Sometimes we just need space. Space to ask. Space to reflect. Space to learn without judgment.
When we replace shame with curiosity, we open the door to growth. When we normalize not knowing, we create safer workplaces, stronger leaders, and healthier humans.
Be kind to the version of you that is still learning. That is where growth begins.
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